Church in the Wild
Week 16: Married Life
Pastor Rick Henderson April 18-19, 2026
Note: This manuscript isn’t a transcript of the sermon, but a planning guide showing what the speaker intends to say.
My kids and I used to have a weekly routine of popcorn and watching Survivor. Part of it was just to have fun. There’s part of me that will always be a little kid inside. I would love to do some of the challenges on that show. But if you’ve ever watched Survivor, you know there’s a lot of drama and gossip and backstabbing. It’s not a laboratory of emotional health and EQ.
I love emotional health and emotional intelligence. I hope to have it someday. I grew up in a house with very low emotional intelligence. I wanted my kids to start better than I started out, and I want them to go further than I can and be healthier than I am. So, one of my dad tactics was to watch Survivor with them, and after a scene with drama, I’d pause the TV. I’d ask, “Why do you think that went wrong? What would you do? What do you think could have made it better?” We’d talk about it for few minutes and then move on. I didn’t want to create big teaching moments. I wanted to leverage natural moments and provide a steady drip of goodness.
The thing about Survivor is that it puts people in a series of positions in which they must work together, rely on each other, but at rock bottom, it’s all predicated on placing yourself first, so that you can get the reward. And if you do make a friendship, that relationship still has you at the center, and there’s no way around it—you must use the other person to benefit your self-interest. Survivor just makes visible what’s often invisible in us. I will partner with you, but I will not center you. I’ll center me.
You don’t have to retreat to reality TV to find an approach to relationships like that. That approach is already all around us. And as much as I hate to admit it. There’s some level of it that naturally occurs in me. The Bible has a word for that inner curve toward self—sin. It can even show up in how we handle our most important relationships. It’s an approach that I call…
CONQUEST: A self‑first use of someone else to meet a need or desire that I have
Next week we are going to talk about the single life. It will be 100% for folks who are not married. Maybe you’re not yet married. Maybe you used to be married. That’s next week. Today, we’re talking about married life.
Some marriages start as a conquest. Some marriages drift into that approach. Maybe you’ve watched it happen to a couple you care about. And when the relationship drifts into this, you can see the joy, and the peace, and the happiness steadily spiral downward into resentment and even worse, indifference.
I’ve watched it happen to couples I deeply care about. If you’ve watched it happen, you know that sinking feeling in your gut of watching people you love take a wrong turn and hit the gas. Maybe I’m talking about your friend’s marriage. Maybe I’m talking about something that feels a little too familiar in your own. When we’ve taken a wrong turn, what we need most is to hit the brakes. Hit pause, look around, and turn around. It’s possible to get back on track.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:1-16
Today’s passage was written to retrain our instincts, to move us from using each other to serving each other, from conquest to covenant. What we’re going to talk about today is not dig deep and try harder. It all starts with truly knowing Jesus and experiencing a new way of life in him. Out of that, this new way of living flows to everything, even our marriages. If at any point today this feels heavy instead of feeling life giving—I want you to do this. I want you to focus on how loved and free you are in Jesus. Everything we’re going to talk about has to start with being secure in that.
So here’s real-life tension—none of us wakes up in the morning trying to ruin our relationships. Nobody stood at an altar hoping to be miserable. But without clarity, without a better story than ‘look out for yourself,’ we can drift into conquest. Corinth was living that story. In the middle of that confusion, Paul writes these words to hit pause, to turn the wheel, and to show what happens to marriage when Jesus—not self‑interest, is at the center.
With that in mind, let’s listen to what he says.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:1-16 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
If this passage feels confusing, even off-putting, there’s nothing wrong with you. You might be missing some of the cultural context, historical context, and even biblical context—making it impossible to see it for what it is. As we unpack this together, I think we’ll discover that it’s kind, profoundly honoring, dignifying, and massively helpful.
But there is another reason why some of us may bristle at this passage. Maybe you’ve heard this passage taught in a way that gave license to abuse, and maybe it was used as a license to take away your agency. If I’m talking to you, I want you to breathe easy. That’s not what this means. Not at all.
The Corinthians were confused. Some thought the super‑spiritual thing was to avoid sex altogether—even if you were married. That may seem weird, but they were influenced by the Greek philosophy of their day, just like we’re influenced by popular thinking in our day. That’s why they asked this question.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:1-2 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.
Problem 1: They turned lovers and life partners into roommates. Let’s call this a no-fun marriage. Problem 2: That’s unrealistic. Bad thinking led them to resolve to have a no-fun marriage. But because that’s not realistic, they were getting stuck in an unhealthy cycle.
- Married folks resolved to be celibate.
- Their resolve would break.
- They’d relieve the tension with someone who wasn’t their spouse.
- They’d resolve to be celibate again. And the pattern continued.
That problem cycle wasn’t based on bad intentions. It was based on bad thinking and wrong beliefs.
If we want to understand the meaning of this passage and the heart behind it, we have to read it through that lens. Single people lean in. This is not saying that if you can’t control your urge to merge that the solution is to get married. Now, delaying marriage may be bad idea. But I want you to hear this. Marriage is not a substitute for learning self-control. Let me tell you what else this is not saying. It’s not saying that if you have a pornography problem, that you should get married and use your spouse as methadone. That’s not the message.
This is the message. In God’s design, there is one person on this planet who gets your romantic passion and delight—your spouse. And there’s only one person who gets your spouse’s passion and delight—you. No backups. No alternates. Just each other. For totally different reasons, withholding intimacy is a tactic or a response that still happens today. How should we think about that?
There are understandable reasons why there can be a loss of intimacy. Hear me on that. But leveraging, wielding, or withholding intimacy as a strategy or an attempt to gain something is probably an indicator of something unhealthy.
If you’re in a struggling marriage, I need you to hear this. This passage is not saying, and I’m not saying that if your marriage is struggling all you must do is play some sheet music. That’s not at all the message. The point that Paul is making is this.
Don’t WEAPONIZE and don’t SPIRITUALIZE intimacy.
Can I ask you to do a quick gut-check? You don’t have to answer out loud. In the last month, have you used affection, silence, faith, or busyness to control or punish instead of to love? Paul is setting up a different approach to marriage.
COVENANT LOVE: Giving that always has the other person’s best interest at heart.
Conquest asks, “How can you meet my needs?” Covenant love asks, “How can I serve your good?” In a Christian marriage, love says, “I have needs and desires that only you can fill, but I choose to think of you above me. I trust you to care about my needs, so I’m going to seek to serve instead of demanding to be served.” That’s the heart behind these words.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
This is saying to husbands, elevate her above you. This is saying to wives, elevate him above you. The needs and wants of the other are always higher priorities than our own. That’s covenant love. Then he writes something unthinkable.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.
No shocker there. Everyone knew that. That’s how the world worked. Married women were essentially the property of their husbands. It was illegal for a married woman to commit adultery. It was not just legal for a man; it was expected and encouraged. The Roman world was structured to privilege free men, at the expense of everyone else, especially their wives. Everyone knew this. No one could have expected the line that came next.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.
That was revolutionary. This was a direct assault on privileged status. This was a radical deconstruction of male privilege and an elevation of wives that the Roman world had never seen before. In a Gospel-defined marriage, in the way of Jesus, the husband voluntarily gives up the authority of his body to his wife. He’s not the sole one in charge. This might blow your mind. There’s not a single verse anywhere in the Bible that says the husband should lead his wife. It doesn’t exist. There’s not a single verse anywhere in the Bible that says the husband is the spiritual leader of the home. Doesn’t exist.
This is a profound level of trust, humility, and relinquishing of hierarchy. Both the man and the woman handing over authority to the other. There’s a word for that—mutuality. Marriage is not a senior partner and junior partner. It’s two people covenanted together, trusting the other with their full selves, happily placing the other above themselves. And that has to be remembered before reading this.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:5-6 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command.
This does not mean intimacy on demand. It’s tragic that some people have been taught that. It is not that. Don’t read this in a vacuum. Don’t read it in isolation. Read it in context. Remember, this was written to people who were withholding intimacy from their spouses because they thought the physical aspect of marriage somehow polluted their spiritual lives. And Paul is saying, “Don’t weaponize intimacy and don’t spiritualize it.” You don’t get to use faith or spirituality as a reason to withhold intimacy. The only possible spiritual reason, maybe, possibly, perhaps on rare occasions, is to have a time where you can pray. It’s not a license for intimacy on demand. It’s a prohibition against celibate marriages.
What we’ve read is built on the opposite of the conquest approach. In conquest, I say, “Your body, your emotions, your time exist to meet my needs.” In covenant love, I say, “My body, my emotions, my time are gifts I offer for your good.”
Let’s have the guts to ask a raw and scary question.
QUESTION: What do I do when my spouse makes it hard to love this way?
What if you don’t trust your spouse to meet your needs? What if you sometimes feel like you married the wrong person?
Paul doesn’t write these verses to people whose marriages are perfect. He writes to people who are hurting, disappointed, and confused. The questions underneath 1 Corinthians 7 are the same questions in this room:
- “Why should I keep the vow I made?”
- “What if I was too young and too naive to know what I was getting into?”
- “Is it ever okay to walk away?”
Paul doesn’t give easy answers, but he does give a clear direction. I think he knew that sometimes marriage feels impossible.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:10-11 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
Some of you may be feeling done. You’re not looking for a way to fix it; you’re looking for a way out. The sentence on the tip of your tongue is: “Why should I stay?”
There are biblical reasons to walk away. These are the broad categories.
BIBLICAL DIVORCE:
- Abandonment
- Abuse
- Neglect
- Infidelity
What I’m going to talk about for the rest of our time doesn’t address that. I’m talking to folks who are just feeling like the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. The effort isn’t paying off anymore, and you don’t think your very real, God-given needs will be met. It’s not abuse. It’s not adultery. Maybe you feel stuck and unfulfilled.
Let’s look at this again.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:10-11 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
For followers of Jesus, if you walk away for reasons other than Biblical reasons for divorce, [Pointing to the screen] that means walking into permanent singleness or walking back to restoration with your spouse. This is not ignoring the difficulty in marriage. This is not pretending. Even when disappointed, the call of Jesus is not to conquest but to covenant.
COVENANT LOVE: Giving that always has the other person’s best interest at heart.
I knew a couple that found themselves in the exact opposite of this. Resentment and indifference had settled in. One day he decided that he was just going to serve his wife. I’m not sure all his motives were right. He knew a different approach was needed. That morning, he asked her, “What can I do to serve you today?” She said, “Clean the garage.” So, he did. Took him all day.
The next morning over coffee he asked her, “What can I do to serve you today?” So, she gave him another time-consuming project. And he did it. Each day, he’d ask the same question. Each day she’d do her best to come up with the most obnoxious chore she could think of. And then one morning she exploded on him. “What are you doing?!” His response was something like, “I know our marriage hasn’t been great. A lot of that is on me. I’m trying to be the husband I think you deserve.”
That was the start of transformation and healing. [Pointing to the screen] It started with a brand-new approach. I’m not saying that if you adopt this mindset, you can skip the hard work of counseling and getting honest about how you got there. You probably still need to go. Read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Take advantage of every resource you can to have the best marriage you can.
Let me tell you why I sometimes check in with a counselor. I had a session 2 weeks ago. A skilled, professional therapist knows how to help us understand why we default to unhealthy tendencies and then help us understand to how to build healthy responses. [Pointing to the screen] This mindset can add rocket fuel to couples counseling, but it’s probably not going to remove the necessity of it.
There’s another hard question to ask, and it’s identical to what they were asking in the Corinthian church.
QUESTION: What if my spouse and I don’t share the same faith?
Some of you are married to someone who does not share your faith. You feel alone spiritually. You worship alone, you pray alone, you make decisions alone. Paul talks directly to you.
1 CORINTHIANS 7:12-13,16 If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him…How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
What does covenant love look like for the follower of Jesus whose spouse doesn’t share that faith? I think Paul is telling us this.
Don’t look for reasons to LEAVE. Look for ways to be a LIGHT.
Here’s what he’s saying: Your faith is not a reason to abandon your spouse; it is a reason to stay and be a redemptive presence. What would it mean if you let the way Jesus loved you shape and form and spill over into every nook and cranny of your marriage? What if it became source and the substance of your love for them. And isn’t that the same for every follower of Jesus. In your marriage: Be with Jesus. Become like Jesus. And do what Jesus did for your spouse. And that simply means to love them as he has loved you.
Maybe today you’re walking out of here feeling the weight of where your marriage really is, or the ache of where it isn’t. I get that. I don’t want you to walk out with more guilt; I want you to walk out with more Jesus.
There’s a guy in our church named Ray. I’m not smart enough to understand his job. I just know he’s responsible for dealing with waste at Mayo. I heard the craziest story that he figured out how to make gold out of trash. If that’s true, he needs to be my new best friend. So I asked him, how did you do that. He emailed me this.
A hazardous waste, gold chloride, was just being discarded, incinerated, actually. Incineration is how it must be destroyed. Instead of us just throwing it all away and paying for the disposal, I use junkyard chemistry to extract the gold and refine it. There was still value in this waste stream. –Ray Gladkowski
Some of you are sitting next to someone you’d quietly label ‘hazardous waste.’ Jesus sees gold there. That’s not naïve optimism; that’s resurrection power.
But if there is someone who could look into our messes and see gold there, would you want to know? Could that be enough to just pause and ask Jesus, what do you see here? What can you do here? With all our disappointments, indifference, exasperation, and exhaustion—what if we let him do a little junkyard chemistry?
If you’ve got divorce in your past, arguments gone wrong in your past, seasons of regret—we’ve all got something. I’m begging you to not look inward but to look upward. And if you’re not sure you can call yourself a follower of Jesus yet, your first step isn’t to fix your marriage; it’s to let him meet you. The healing must start there. I’m begging you to let yourself behold Jesus.
From the reality of his unrelenting love, full acceptance, forgiveness, and new life—from that place let it start to shape and spill over into how you see, love, and serve your spouse. And then trust that the same Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead can breathe new life into cold hearts, tired vows, and even marriages that feel too far gone.